I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
