She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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