her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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