i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
