My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
