the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So apparently I’m into choking now
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