You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
