What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
