the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
