I love black thongs
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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