I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
