my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
