You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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