In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
