Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
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