Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
