My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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