Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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