Porn is love you can see.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
