I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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