Whoa Z and x make the same sound
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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