she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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