I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
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I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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