Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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