I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
