Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
