Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
why do cheetos always look like penises
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I got inside last night via doggy door
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Randomize
