Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
