I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Randomize
