I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
the night ended with taco bell and tears
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
