We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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