The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
