I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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