I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
