Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
