Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Randomize
