K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
