During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
