you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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