He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
