I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize