Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
