I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
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Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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