if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
