Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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