im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
