I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
