"it" just moved
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
lol hangovers are for mortals.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
