Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Duck Duck Cougar?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
