so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
