end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Randomize
