Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize