God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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