After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
