I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
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i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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