I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
