12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
