I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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