The maid of honor just puked.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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