i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
