I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
