If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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